Any work of art that focuses on depression is normally intended to be cathartic for the writer. It’s supposed to be a release from their crippling illness that plagues them each waking minute of their lives until they go into therapy/kill themselves/get over it. The problem is that when you begin to let feelings overcome your work and become the main focus, you start to shun true quality in favour of emotional expression, even if you somehow feel better about venting your “Emotion of the Week.”  Anyone who disagrees with me has clearly never heard of Lizzie-the-temptress (Known as Elizabeth Sidman to her friends psychiatrist).

Our subject for today is an talentless hack who possesses the common disorder known as “Internet Depression”, typically characterised by writing volumes of terrible poetry complaining about their middle class disasters and first world problems, an inability to write with proper spelling, grammar and syntax, crying at random intervals for arbitrary and/or non-existent reasons. Don’t confuse this for actual depression; those who suffer from this particular strain are doing it for attention.

Nothing to me by ~lizzie-the-temptress

*She’s probably talking about Facebook. Oh, if only ‘v’ and ‘b’ weren’t so close together!

It’s painfully obvious that Sidman has never taken a course in poetry general writing. I don’t care if she’s trying to paint it as “free verse”; if it doesn’t have a simple rhyming structure or pentameter then it’s not poetry, just extremely broken prose. Most of the actual lines are gibberish designed to indulge in the vanity of self-loathing.

Am I really the attention seeking whore
You all seem to think or am i
Just a useless pathetic girl

That’s just unfair. It’s pretty obvious that you’re a boring, attention-seeking bitch with no talent at prose or verse who will remain alone until the stars grow weary. You are really easy to profile.

Actually, I bet you’re crying reading this article right about now.

I Found out what I want… by ~lizzie-the-temptress

lost someone i cared for…though he came back…eventually…

Lizzie, you continue to be a true master of blatherskite (Look it up, cunt). You know what I love most about this piece? The lack of context and how much it ruins the content. I’m sure your average reader would care a tiny bit more if we knew this “friend” that disappeared on you. No, wait; they wouldn’t care anyway.

There was a time when you asked me to ask you to do anything. Anything to prove to me that I was the most important.  Someone you couldn’t live without. To prove to me that you were mine.

Somehow, I doubt anyone would want you to prove that you are ~the only one in their life~. I’m surprised that you immediately don’t call them out for being fucking clingy and obsessed over you.

And at thet time

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

I told you I couldn’t come up with anything.  Well now I have come up with something.

‘Please tell me I’m not loved. I love it when I’m depressed.’

To be my friend again. to talk to me again and this time without trying to push me away.

Just reiterating once again that Sidman is unloved and any attempt at human contact will always fail horribly, dooming her to the life of unhappiness she revels in. Glad I could help.

The thing is you most likely wont do this for me….meaning that all you said before was a lie…hmm well there you go I finally asked something lets see if you do it… :/

Here is Sidman refusing to accept change, whether in her own life by not just getting over this *~SERIOUS DEPRESSION~* or in others by not realising that other people will go back on their word. Apparently, a promise made what appears to be years back still applies. Honestly, I support this mysterious guy for backing out of what looks like an extremely clingy relationship.

I’d like to note this isn’t the first break-up poem she’s written; Sidman wrote several more on the subject, and the amount she probably hasn’t published on DA could crush an average human under their weight. Boy, you just can’t let go of anything, can you?

ounce again she walks into a trap.that leaves her broken. Her energy sapped.Having no will to move on. She lies there clutching her chest. As her ounce beautiful heart gets shattered. Leaving her gasping and crying out for help. She watches as the people walk by.Reaching out for help she wonders Why? Do they not see? Do they not care about what happens to one little girl? Picking herself up and she walks away. Finding the tree that brings peace to her day. Taking a rope she ties some knots. Forming a loop. Such a perfect fit. Looping the rope around the tree she stands and stares. And ounce again the tears fall down. Looking around ounce more she climbs the tree. Thinking about whats going to be. She pulls the noose over her head. Looking down she begins to count. Pausing at the last number she looks around. Waiting for someone to care. No one steps forth. Proving that her thoughts were true. Stepping off the limb she begins to fall. Feeling the rope tighten against her throat. Srangling the life out of her. As the last breath leaves her mouth her spirit leaves her body.Watching her body from above, she begins to wonder if now that she’s dead will they begin to care. She sat there next to that tree. Waiting for someone to set her free. To release the noose thats keeping her caged. Just for someone to actually care. And she still sits ther watching her body swing in the breeze. Watching and waiting. Just wanting to be free.

umm depression sucks..lol

I’m not going to dissect this one, because I only have one thing to say about this. Don’t get me wrong: There’s a hell of a lot of problems with this piece of prose, which I could easily point out one at a time and mock for you. But there’s one flaw that stands out in particular, which takes precedent over the rest: She cannot fucking spell “once” without confusing it for a goddamn measurement. I’d concede that it was a one-off event and leave it at that, but she does this at least three bloody times. Sidman adamantly refuses to spell anything correctly to the point that she comes off as nigh-illiterate.

Yes, her dreams of suicide are a goddamn fantasy she’ll never have the balls to go through with. Yes, it’s poorly written, with a lack of coherence, grammar and sentences as fragmented as a middle-aged housewife’s hard drive. Yes, she can’t spell about a third of the words she uses in all her fiction. But my biggest problem with this fucking piece is her confusing “once” with “ounce.” I just figured I’d make my priorities known for all of you.

Let’s not forget that the subject matter is – surprise, surprise – wish fulfillment! Elizabeth is obsessed about suicide, going on at length over how badly she wants to kill herself through this pathetic proxy. She’s so adamant about wanting to go to the afterlife despite a majority of her reasons being pedantic in comparison to greater tragedies. Not only that, but for all her talk she hasn’t done a damn thing to address this properly. Perhaps, in her flawed perspective, Sidman thinks that a quick horizontal slice constitutes as a serious threat; the truth is that it’s a cry for attention and nothing else.

And so the tale of Lizzie-The-Temptress comes to a close; an ugly, lonely attention whore who cries from the depths of her soul: ‘Somebody, anybody, give me attention! I’ll kill myself, I swear! The last one hundred and eight times were nothing! I’ll do it this time! I can’t go on writing all this poetry! I just have to kill myself!

‘… Anybody?’

Before we get started, I need to reiterate a recurring point: That dA should no longer be considered an “artistic community.” I believe fellow DCQC contributor Lmte put it best, in his introduction to a previous article:

“dA’s habitual nature of allowing bad art along with the accompanying bad artists to thrive is seen clearly in the deviantART community’s forceful assimilation of turning all members into the back-patting-let’s-be-friends-disregard-all-criticisms-be-nice pillars of goodness and all-that’s-rightness. [...] If you’re constantly being praised for something you either put little to no effort in, or tried your best and the end result was a steaming pile of shit, why should you try and improve?”

Simply put; the vast majority of tartlets are more content coddling each other, rather than risking their reputations by daring to highlight even one negative aspect of a submission. Back-patting is second nature to so many tartlets, that even when an artist specifically requests “constructive criticism” (Be it in a journal or in the description of the piece itself), the first thing many of their friends and fans say is that they “don’t need it!” Which makes the “Critique” feature (Available only to premium members) quite the baffling inclusion to dA’s interface.

When I say “Available only to premium members” in parentheses, I mean that only premium members can enable the critique function for their works, and that only other premium members may respond to the call. I’m going to give the dA administration the benefit of the doubt here, and say that their decision to lock the feature away from non-premium members was their well-intentioned attempt at trying to keep trolls and other assorted riff-raff from abusing the function (Rather than some other entirely greed-motivated reason).

But that’s not what makes the inclusion of the feature so baffling to me: By including a feature designed to inspire proper critiques, it’s as if dA is inferring that the standard comments section is unsuitable for proper critiques. Which – of course – is absolutely true, but still speaks volumes of what little faith the dA administration has in it’s users (Which – of course – is absolutely warranted).

So, the feature is there for premium members. But are premium members really any better than non-premium members at dispensing constructive criticism? Of course they aren’t: Premium members are just non-premium members with money to burn (Or who have friends with money to burn). Being a premium member doesn’t suddenly unlock all the mysteries of the world and bestow unto you the true meaning of life. All it unlocks are a few extra widgets for your profile, and inflates your ego by a few gallons.

I took a random sample of about a dozen critiques written by premium members, and of them, maybe two of them could have passed for proper constructive criticism. A few of the others showed attempts at constructive criticism, but were either buried under so much unwarranted praise nobody would ever notice them, or weren’t actually all that helpful at all.

However, I did find one so-called “critique” that caught my attention. Not because it’s helpful or constructive (Because it isn’t), but because it is completely unashamed of not being at all helpful or constructive. Before I show it to you, I’m going to show you the piece it was written for, and the artist’s description for said piece.

Oklahoma Bombing by =torture-device

Here’s a little intro.

I became aware of the Oklahoma bombing 2 years after it actually happened – in 1997. I was 12 then. I was so impressed by the scale of it, and by the fact that ultimately, if not counting a couple accomplices, a single man had done it, that I became obsessed with the idea of becoming an insurgent. Funny, heh. But it works out that this incident that happened in another country, during my childhood, had pretty much warped me in what I am today.

So of course I had to make a tribute to the man that was on some account, my rolemodel, as far as I’m capable of having a role model. Timothy McVeigh.

Timothy James McVeigh (April 23, 1968 – June 11, 2001) was a United States Army veteran and security guard who was convicted of bombing the Alfred P. Murrah Building in Oklahoma City on April 19, 1995, the second anniversary of the Waco Siege, as revenge or to inspire revolt against what he considered a tyrannical federal government.

Score of 168 to 1.

“You can’t handle the truth. Because the truth is, I blew up the Murrah Building, and isn’t it kind of scary that one man could wreak this kind of hell?”

He accepted the execution with grace and dignity.

As for the picture, it’s referenced from a photo, done in Corel Painter X in about 10 hours of work, with background photoshopped from the ground zero of Murrah building.

I again used only two brushes to work on my realism style, and I’m very, very happy on the end result. Though there isn’t 100% semblance, and McVeigh looks somewhat older, I think it’s vast improvement – all in all I’m not a professional portraitist. Working on this painting was awesome, and I’d be glad to hear your critique and comments.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “This guy considers Timothy McVeigh a role model?! What a monster!” Well, guess what? You’ve already failed the test, kiddies. Congratulations on immediately defaulting to a mindset incapable of appreciating the submission itself, let alone giving constructive criticism. Don’t feel too sore about it: It won’t keep you from running for public office or anything. All it means is that you’re too easily offended, and too susceptible to your emotions to be truly objective.

torture-device is a Neo-Nazi hailing from Norway; proud to be a racist and more than happy to stir the pot on dA. As a dA beta tester, he has full access to premium features and widgets, which he uses to the fullest on his user profile. It also allows him to create groups with automatic “Super Group” status**, including his recent group #Heretics-Undivided (A Warhammer 40k fan group, for the uninitiated out there). Furthermore – and most importantly in terms of this article – it allows him to enable critiques on his work, such as his Oklahoma Bombing piece pictured above.

Naturally, most find themselves too offended by the artist to offer any proper artistic criticism. But that didn’t stop premium user TheRealJustinBailey from writing a long-winded rant about how offended he was! Seen here wearing sunglasses indoors and looking like a generally smug piece of shit, Justin submitted a 7-paragraph diatribe for torture-device’s disapproval, going so far as to explain why he unfairly gave the submission the lowest possible score (A half-star) in every category, before listing off his real score in plaintext where it can’t actually be factored in.

(Click for the full-size 690px by 1324px image)

It is my belief that this so-called “critique” sums up everything that’s wrong with the dA critique system. It’s fueled by the writer’s rage, is entirely nonconstructive, and reeks of an attempt at trying to impress his own fans. It is a blatant attempt at trying to use the critique widget – which I feel compelled to remind you is a feature designed explicitly for art critique – into a stage for political debate.

In dA’s attempt to separate constructive criticism from the noise and banter of the standard comments section, all they’ve done is put a spotlight on a soapbox for any premium member to step up on and become the center of attention. Instead of helping aspiring artists by highlighting helpful reviews, all it does is give imbeciles a direct line to the submitter; which they either use to dispense the same breed of useless back-pattery they would post in the standard comments, or to complain about how offended they are.

A bit of full disclosure: In this example, torture-device gladly approved the critique, and replied to it with a post doubly as long as Justin’s. torture-device clearly expected a polarized reaction to his work, and anxiously awaited for someone like Justin to come along and write a scathing rant. Enabling critiques in this situation was clearly his attempt at setting bait. And sure enough, the dA community bit right into it, like the predictable single-minded animals they are. All it goes to show is that not even users who enable critiques expect much legitimate criticism from it, and neither should you.

**I could be completely and entirely wrong about beta testers being able to do this. If someone could confirm / deny this for me, it would be appreciated.

What prompts some deviantART users to deactivate their accounts? Perhaps some give up on art altogether, and look to erase all trace of ever having had an interest in it. Maybe some tire of the constant coddling and blind approval from their peers, and move to a site where they may actually receive the constructive criticism they desire. More often than not, however; tartlets shut down their accounts in an attempt to evade trolls (Or, at least, what they consider to be trolls).

The subject of today’s article claims his latest account to be his “10000th”. Obviously, this is an exaggeration: My estimates peg this as his 6th or 7th account (Give or take 2). His last account went by the name of King-Kaz, during the life of which he opened his new GAKING account; the subject of today’s article. I will attempt to detail GAKING’s activity over the course of the past three weeks: From the date of the account’s registration to the day I will be posting this article.

JANUARY 23rd: The account is registered with the intent of being a “backup gallery”, as explained in GAKING’s introductory journal. As he explains to his friends and fans coming from his King-Kaz page, he is attempting to escape from “drama [he] got into that doesnt seem to go away”. Clearly, the trolls that are pursuing him will never be able to find him here! Yes, the past 8 accounts getting found were just flukes: This time, he’s lost them for sure!

JANUARY 25th: Missing his premium member privileges from his King-Kaz account, GAKING begs his supportive uninterested fans for dA points. He claims the points are for a group of his called #The-HojoClan; dedicated to ninjas and other assorted Japanophilia, populated by a grand total of 9 watchers. This is 3 times as many watchers as his other ill-advised unnecessary group (#The-Art-Lobby) has. Of course, these small numbers do not keep it’s other members member from bragging about their rank in their signature!

Later this day, GAKING posts this second journal entry, in which he discusses his apparently newfound fascination with The Beatles. Distraught by the news that they broke up – news he writes of as if he had just been informed of it – he announces his plans to pen a Beatles “doujinshi“. His fans immediately approve of tell him his idea is fucking shit.

JANUARY 31st: Too lazy to conduct a search on his own, GAKING tasks his fans with finding him a tutorial on how to draw the Beatles’ hair.

FEBRUARY 2nd: GAKING finally submits a deviation to his account!

AT: Gaomon SAI ver. by ~GAKING

Woah Im so surprised how this came out by using my new best friend SAI..

Lineart belongs to *x-Pippin-x

In the submission description, and as evident by a damaged watermark in the top-left corner, he has merely colored in another deviant’s line-art. Comments left on the original line-art by the original King-Kaz account show his fear of fucking up the coloring. Because as we all know, coloring between the lines is quite the daunting task. Leave this shit to the professionals before somebody gets hurt!

FEBRUARY 3rd: GAKING posts a journal entry about a generic “basic art tutorial” he read, and how inspiring he found it. This seems to be the inspiration for a piece he submits the next day…

FEBRUARY 4th: … A RIDICULOUSLY oversized (31 fucking megabytes!) 5382 by 5000 pixel collage of half-assed anime-inspired sketches.

Traditional Junk 1 by ~GAKING

The two Megazord-looking motherfuckers are apparently Digimon characters, meaning he most likely relied heavily on reference material traced them. You’ll never guess who the human character in the top-right corner is supposed to be. Don’t worry: I’ll tell you later in the article. And when you hear who it’s supposed to be, I guarantee you’ll have a laugh.

FEBRUARY 5th: GAKING advertises his formspring page on his journal. Almost immediately, it is overrun with flame comments, many of which we can assume he chose not to answer. He replies to all of 6 questions before abandoning his formspring. Not a single one of them is from a proper fan. Attempting to bury the link to his formpsring, GAKING quickly posts another journal entry about an uninteresting dream of his (Potentially fabricated for the sake of simply having something to post). It reads as follows:

FEBRUARY 6th: GAKING sees fit to share another one of his Japanophile nightmares with us.

Still awake? His next journal – submitted on the same day – should make you chuckle, in which he puts forward a solid case for himself committing suicide. Oh, and he also mentions that he’s autistic. Because, you know: Nobody will use that against him. Especially not those trolls he’s been trying to dodge who already managed to compromise his formspring account!

FEBRUARY 7th: Finally, his fans cave in to his desperate bid for pity, and a number of them chime in with stories of their own disabilities. Feeling his ego has been sufficiently stroked, GAKING deems fit to submit to them subject them to more of his so-called “art”.

Right back at aya by ~GAKING

This awful Naruto-lookalike was obviously submitted by GAKING with his HojoClan group in mind. If this ninja is the best his feudal clan has to offer, they are most certainly fucked! How the fuck is he supposed to hold a sword with those hilariously deformed hands of his? Not like that matters, since his shoulders and elbows would never be able to support a proper swing of the blade. This guy looks like he’s ready to model for some bad cross-dressing porno magazine (Starring and catering to the hideously deformed, obviously); not ready to die for his clan.

FEBRUARY 8th: Another day, another deviation. It also happens to provide an answer to the question of who the fuck that dude from his collage piece was supposed to be: Paul “Motherfucking” McCartney (I told you you’d never guess).

Im too sexy for mai vest by ~GAKING

Whats up with Paul and his many vests?

GAKING has almost figured out that pesky concept of “human anatomy” in this picture. Though according to his fans, he may only have it figured out when drawing characters in this specific pose, as he apparently relied on it on many an occasion when drawing for his old accounts. Taking this theory into consideration while taking a look at his attempts to break out of this pose, I am inclined to believe it.

Regardless of all this, and as close to mimicking human proportions as this piece may be, one thing it is certainly incapable of doing is resembling Paul McCartney. I guess consulting that hair tutorial didn’t pay off like he thought it would. Or maybe it’s because his style is so simplistic and generic, that it’s hard to distinguish any one of his human characters from another. When the only way you can tell characters apart is by the color of their hair, there is a problem.

FEBRUARY 10th: GAKING takes to his journal to ask for critiques. Which – on deviantART – actually means that he wants his fans to lend him more pageviews and to pat him on the back for a “job well done”. True critiques are a rare sight on deviantART, where the users are so afraid of being shunned and shouted at, they only congratulate and commend in their comments. The fear that their constructive criticism may be misconstrued as flaming keeps them from providing anything that’s actually insightful. But hey, I’m getting off-topic here: I promise I’ll do a proper piece on “dA critiques” one of these days.

FEBRUARY 11th: In his latest deviation [to date], GAKING returns to drawing a style of character he is more familiar with: Digimon (I suspect he might even have an easier time relating to them than his fellow homo-sapiens).

Dukey… by ~GAKING

You may notice that the pose is similar to that of his Paul McCartney (Allegedly) piece. Except this piece continues a bit longer below the waist, revealing that his left leg is significantly shorter than his right. This defect is not listed anywhere on the character’s Wikimon entry, and as such, I believe it to be a mistake on GAKING’s part. Other than that, there honestly isn’t much to say about this picture: It reflects the same generic anime style he has demonstrated before.

As with the rest of his Digimon fanart, it resembles the character it is based off of closely enough, but only because he has plenty of reference material to work with. Because Paul McCartney isn’t an anime character, he was forced to draw his own interpretation of him as an anime character, to what we’ve established is a poor result. GAKING lacks the creativity necessary to draw anything original, or to even deviate slightly from the characters he uses as reference (As is the case with his bit of Naruto fanart).

—

So, how long will this account of his last? How long will it take for him to move on to deactivate this one and try to rid any evidence he used it at all? What will be his reason for moving on to his new name and new account? I’ll tell you this much: It will have nothing to do with the trolls who allegedly plague him. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if there weren’t any trolls to speak of at all, and if he spoofed all the aforementioned flame comments on his formspring.

From his journals and comments, and from the comments of his fans who have followed him from account to account, it’s fairly obvious to me that he is an attention-seeker. His every word is a cry for pity, as is his every self-deprecating admission. He doesn’t care about bettering himself as an artist: He simply needs something to draw in a crowd, and so he can later beg for them to comment and critique him. He starts groups for the sake of starting groups, simply so he can claim ownership of them and pretend that he commands his other members and watchers.

His reasons for changing accounts probably amount to dry spells in how many comments and well-wishes he receives on his profile. He sticks around on his accounts as long as his fans continue to enable him, and when they take so much as a day-long break from their back-petting, he abandons ship and starts anew again. It is a modus operandi I have seen before, and one that never ends well for those who employ it. Once his fans realize that they have been duped, they will stop enabling him, and leave him high and dry when he tries again to flee the scene.

GAKING is truly as lonely as he is uninspired. I guess that “Apsergic pride” Natter45 once spoke of really is a crock of shit.

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching.  Those of us who aren’t completely detached from society will have – or at least find – something worthwhile to do during this commercial holiday: perhaps partaking in a romantic dinner with a loved one; maybe a movie – or possibly something much more intimate.  Of course, some would rather surround themselves with friends and enjoy the company and conversation that would ensue.  That’s all swell and good, but we’re on the Internet: a place where escapism is cherished among those whose only friends exist on a screen.  These cretins have merely their favourite fan fictions to indulge in every day of their miserable lives.  Further down the path of complete lonesomeness are those who are so isolated that they have no more than their role-playing pals to confide in.  Such individuals are burdens on society; thankfully, they’ll never have the opportunity to reproduce (God willing).

Assuming you’re not a complete idiot, you’d have realised the preamble to this article is meant to describe today’s DCQC subject: MangaSarah (otherwise known as Sarah Brooks).  It should come as no surprise when I tell you that everything in MangaSarah’s gallery is complete and utter shit.  Not a single picture is salvageable.  I could say that selecting the images for this article took no effort at all, but I’d be lying – everything is terrible, therefore literally everything in her gallery was a candidate for being covered.  It’s bad enough that she considers herself an artist, too.  Artist gets tossed around more than the word troll on the Internet these days.  But I digress, the issue at hand is not simply what Sarah fancies herself as (although it certainly is an issue), but more so what she has produced to be of such distaste to the Internet art community.  Anyway, without further ado, please enjoy the generic manga-inspired works of art Sarah has graciously provided to the Internet and all of its lonely circle-jerking inhabitants.

Sarah ID 1.0 by ~MangaSarah

Mangaka Sa-Chan~ is no exception to the fact that all aspiring deviantARTists require “deviantIDs”.  It’s a staple of the dA community and you truly cannot ever call yourself a deviantARTist without one.  Sarah considers it necessary to utilize her MS Paint drawing talent in conjunction with her writing talent to create her ID.  Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better: notice the cat-eared version of Sarah in the upper-left corner.  It’s hard to miss; this image is pretty bland and is devoid of any significant detail despite Sarah’s laughable wondrous attempt at shading.  Anyway, yes, we can safely say Sarah (at the very least) dabbles in some form of furry fanaticism.  And what a shame it is, I thought that this article would be furry-free upon initially browsing her gallery!  How embarrassing!  I should know by now that nearly everyone on dA is a furry!

Moving on, look at the attentiveness to colouring!  Who could’ve known that solid shades of red and darker red could be used to create such an effect!?  Simply brilliant!  You couldn’t ask for more; not at all.  And, my God, look at the usage of tan and darker tan!  Fantastic! Sarah has redefined art!  Worry not about colour depth, for the paint bucket tool is all you need for filling in the white between lines!  A pioneer in modern art! But, oops, looks like Sarah totally forgot to fill that white gap in manga-Sarah’s hair!  How tragic!

You simply must appreciate Sarah’s use of thick black lines.  Look at that face!  Two nearly parallel lines are all you need for the nose and mouth; such simplicity, such elegance!  Where did she learn to draw!?  Never mind, look at those anime eyes! Perfect! You can tell that Sarah concentrated on the shading and anime eyes, it really does show.  Good work, Sa-Chan~, I’m sure you’ve already got a job involving a tablet and digital editing software lined up!  If not, employers take note: do not let such excellence slip away!  She really is a great artist – honest!

Everyone needs a little insane,otaku,anime loving,video game playing and manga writing Sarah in their life!

I’m inclined to disagree with this statement.  Employers, disregard my previous ramblings regarding Sarah’s incomprehensible talent, I didn’t know she was such a loser!  At least it’s relieving that she knows her place in this world.  It’s disheartening that she fully (and proudly) admits to being one of the bottom feeders of the Internet, though.  This is akin to a furry proclaiming his brilliance because he is a furry.  Wait, she is basically presenting herself as a furry in this ID, so it’s exactly like being a furry.  Once again, furries are the source of all problems on the Internet.

.:A Day In The Life:. by ~MangaSarah

The beautiful cityscape as seen by Sarah Brooks!  Ah, at least there aren’t any furries in this drawing.  Wait, what the hell?  What is this, some sort of fortified city?  Does Sarah live in a tyrannical country or something?  Orangish truck-looking thing, watch out!!  That massively small gate is not open!  Err, massively small gate?  Well, it’s kind of difficult to tell how large these structures are in Sarah’s oppressive manga dream city.

Damn it, I can’t even tell how high up they are!  Not that is matters or anything, right?  Who needs perspective when you’ve got pretty pencil crayons!?  In truth, the colouring doesn’t save this image – it’s God-awful.  It essentially consists of scribbling horizontally and vertically a bunch of times – sometimes diagonally, just to mix things up a bit.  Hold on, check out that penis tower behind Sarah’s manga dream boyfriend who has freckles and wears faux pas clothing.  Seriously, what’s going on in this girl’s head?  There’s no way that happened by chance.  It’s also got that wind compass jamming its way through the urethra.  Sounding is an incredibly niche fetish; where’s she been Internetting to get into that kind of sexual content, anyway?

Let’s just talk about the perspective and leave urethral sounding to the mental workings of Sarah.  This is seriously worse than PrincessShaakTi’s attempts at depth.  Those buildings located top left of Sarah’s fantasy concentration camp look as if they are desperately stretching out to reach the inner wall.  Surely the city planners weren’t that pressed for space!  Maybe they should have built the structures inside of the city before they fortified the fucking thing.  Ah, who cares about that!  The planner who decided having a road and a parking lot located on an extremely steep hill should be reprimanded!  They probably should have considered implementing modern standards such as stop lights, traffic signs, street lights and crosswalks, too.  On the topic of city management, let’s talk about the actual cleanliness of the city.  What are those giant pieces of cardboard doing in the penis tower courtyard?  I didn’t realise you live in a town full of barbarians who can’t even take care of their own inhabitancy, Sarah.  Silly me, you live in Canada’s garbage dump: Nova Scotia – I’m sure you can relate to this image more than civilized persons can.

You know what – forget the colouring, the perspective and forget the giant penis tower having a wind compass pushed down its urethra!  Look at that shading.  Why am I even calling it shading?  That is not shading, at least it’s not to people who have even the slightest of standards.  Diagonal pen strokes are hardly impressive.  She even wrapped a border around wacky anime girl with goggles, guy with dead Pikachu for hair and striped shirt with dark green vest dude to represent the boundaries of shading – classy!  Can you believe this trash took “6-8 Hours” to complete over the course of “2 days”?

Je Suis En Controle by ~MangaSarah

If you thought Sarah’s drawings were completely innocent (disregarding the phallus tower, of course), her roots lie in using sexually provocative bases to compensate for her depressing, sexually repressed life.  She doesn’t even have the talent to make her own characters’ physical outline, so she resorts to using pre-made “dolls”.  Using bases is the equivalent of buying a colouring book for children and, well, colouring the pictures in.  And look, she can’t even colour inside the lines properly!  That’s why it’s so jagged around the edges of the characters’ bodies!  To be fair, the base itself was no good to begin with, but Sarah managed to make it even worse.  Check out those netted stockings; Sarah doesn’t know the meaning of symmetry, apparently.

Yameme is pretty much submissive — Damian’s the dominant because he’s the large, strong, muscular… toned… hot… *cough* euhm, Man.

And Yameme’s the small girl. But she’s training to be a CSI, so yeah

She wanted to be in control one night… Damian’s pleasantly surprised

So Sarah likes a woman who is ready and willing to please her man?  That’s pretty misogynistic and all, but the problem is: Sarah is a girl’s name! I’m no feminist – far from it – but I’d say Sarah hates her womynhood.  What is she, a dyke?  Perhaps an aspiring FtM tranny?  It’s her his choice to be one (despite it being completely wrong), I suppose.  One thing’s for sure: CSI is a terrible show and Sarah just made it even more cringeworthy for me.

As a side note: what kind of name is “Yameme”, anyway?  Is that supposed to be some phonetic three-syllable Japanese name Sarah made up in art class or something?  Too bad she didn’t have the foresight to realise Japanese people have slanted eyes, black hair and small breasts.  Talk about mistakes!

Together Forever by ~MangaSarah

Where the hell are they – in a shower?  No, that can’t be it.  There wouldn’t be one of those hanging light fixtures in a shower.  But that thing in the upper-right corner of the picture could be a faucet.  Who’s to say for sure what that thing is?  It doesn’t look like it resembles anything significant.  But that’s beside the point.  I’m trying to wrap my head around why Sarah felt it necessary to show those feet in the included spherical panel.  It’s absolutely useless, but it at least shows us that Sarah can’t draw feet (or anything, for that matter).  This drawing was uploaded on MangaSarah’s account before the previous image in this article, “Je Suis En Controle”, leading me to believe that Sarah might’ve actually realised she has no drawing ability whatsoever.  However, much more recent drawings in her gallery do not use bases, and they’re even worse (hard to imagine, I know)!  She must have deluded herself into believing she has the talent to draw things.  That—or someone helped to delude her.

Ikko’s sort of on the short’n'skinny side,where as Hikaru is the ‘muscly’ type.He’s tall,strong,and a total cutey all around.

Again with the romanticized mock-Japanese names!  It’s clear that MangaSarah is a fervent student of Japanese language and culture and probably can’t wait to break free from her oppressive parents’ grip so she can move to glorious Nippon!  Maybe she can find her true anime love in Japan, or perhaps she could be cured of her yellow fever before she saves up all of her money from selling quality fan fictions and remarkable comics mangas.  Who am I kidding; there’s no conceivable way that Sarah will be able to make a career off of her writing and art – no way.

They’re from a Naruto based RP I participate in,and they sort of managed to fall in love.We keep it going by having them go on missions,mostly apart from each other,and practice their Jutsu and stuff.

It’s not all ‘IloveyousomuchIwannahavekidswithyoummSPAZZLES’ type of relationship.It has a more of a realistic kind of air to it.

And this is when Sarah’s sick, delusional mentality should become apparent to all of you who are reading this.  What kind of trauma must one suffer to be this desperate for true love?  I can’t even keep a straight face when uttering the words “Internet” and “relationship” in the same sentence.  It’s completely unrealistic and is certainly a frantic cry for attention.  To imagine Sarah wearing cat ears and a tail while typing away to her e-husband is probably not too far from the reality of it all.

Love is Love by ~MangaSarah

I’m very proud of this drawing for some reason. I can’t quite place it, but I just love how I drew Terra and Alexa together like this.

There’s nothing to be proud about in this drawing.  First of all, look at those heads; does Sarah not know of proportion?  I don’t understand how such an error could go undetected.  The hands, oh God, the hands; there’s no excuse for drawing hands that poorly.  And the feet – gross!  Are they devoid of bones or what?  What happened to small-headed-girl’s left arm, by the way?  Why does it look like there’s only a sleeve without an arm in it?  Don’t tell me Sarah has a thing for amputees.  Urethral sounding was enough!  And what, is their hair covered in grease?  How can one’s hair be so shiny?  At least that’s what I think Sarah was going for when she decided to not completely fill in the dykes’ hair as to give the illusion of reflection.

Couldn’t Sarah have used a white sheet of paper instead of this lined shit?  A fair amount of hand-sketched drawings in her gallery are actually on this notebook garbage.  Wait… does Sarah actually draw this stuff in class!?  I guess that would explain the notebook canvas.  How can one have such little shame?  Imagine all of the kids looking from behind her: some watch in horror as she draws these monstrosities, others snicker and tweet about the social reject emo girl’s latest escapade involving homoerotica.

I’m sure some of you are thinking this is just another one of Sarah’s role-playing-inspired works, but think again!  It’s actually based off of one of Sarah’s comics that happens to be about her manga self.  That’s right; Sarah’s a bona fide dyke – or she’s at least sexually confused.  Wait, she’s sexually confused?  But her only relationships exist in text, not in body; how can she be confused when she doesn’t even have relevant person-to-person physical and emotional contact?  Of course, she’s delusional, I forgot.  It must take a lot of isolation from the world around you to become this detached from reality.  What’s worse is that she almost certainly has wet dreams about her mystical relationships.

MangaSarah ID 2 by ~MangaSarah

Ah, the successor to Sarah ID 1.0.  Finally, we can see the visage behind MangaSarah’s sick perversions… kind of.  What’s that picture behind her?  Looks like cats to me.  Oh Lord, please don’t tell me she’s into LOLcats.  But of course she is.  She probably still visits 4chan unironically, too.  Just a minute… what’s that thing resting across her chest?  Dear God, no!!  It’s a Naruto headband.  I suppose I shouldn’t expect otherwise, considering Sarah indulges in Naruto RPing, but still….  It’s really no secret that Sarah doesn’t exactly fulfill an important role on this big ol’ Earth, so I guess this is just typical behaviour for dejected, friendless teens these days.

This reminds me of a time when I was walking to a nearby convenience store.  As I proceeded to my destination, a young female of tremendous girth with a terrifying face crossed paths with me.  She was wearing a Naruto headband.  It’s not much of a story, but I’ll never forget that day.  I didn’t think there was anyone so pitiful on this planet at the time, but now I know better.  Now I know that people like Sarah exist.  What do they exist for?  Who put them here?  Why?  To be mocked?  To be set as examples of what not to become?  Have their friends and family abandoned and left them to rot?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that Sarah needs some serious counselling so she can step into the real world with all of her peers, as opposed to suppressing herself in her fantasy dreamland.  I could only imagine what kind of emotional trauma Sarah must have endured.  But for some reason, I don’t think that’s the cause of Sarah’s problems; it must be self-inflicted.  Note to self: do not ever watch anime lest you become like the abomination in this article.

I’m feeling light-headed—let’s just move on.  Why’re the colours inverted, anyway?  Does Sarah have something to hide?  We’ve already seen her Naruto headband, can it get any worse?

Ah!  Much clearer!  Did I say clearer?  Haha, my mistake, I meant: holy shit look at the size of those zits; God damn, girl, those look to be the diameter of pennies!  Now I can understand why she inverted the colours before posting this picture!  But, to be perfectly honest, the rather large pimples were actually quite easy to see even with the inversion.  She could have airbrushed her face a little bit, but that might’ve required some morsels of talent, of which she does not have.  This picture’s kind of small.  It hasn’t been scaled down for the article; this is its original size.  Here, I’ll blow it up a bit:

Well, it makes sense.  I fully understand why Sarah decided to decrease the resolution and invert the colours: she’s hideous!  Truly, she must suffer with such a dreadful physiognomy.  I’m looking for something good to say about her, but I honestly can’t find a single thing!  Even her hair is a frayed, greasy-looking mess.  Her skin is so pale, too!  She probably suffered from too much Vitamin D intake while taking this picture.  After snapping the shot, she must’ve scurried back to the basement or quickly closed the blinds and curtains.  In hindsight, she probably regrets not having spared us the sight by taking the picture in complete darkness.  Maybe next time you should put your watchers’ priorities first, Sarah, and stop being so selfish.

I’m feeling nauseous.  Thanks a lot, Sarah.  You’ve done a number on my stomach, that’s for sure.  Looks like the only thing worse than staring at your art is staring at your face.  Good God, just continue to draw yourself as a fantasy manga character, Sarah.  I’m by no means saying you’re good at drawing (far from it, actually), but it’ll at least spare your viewers a glance at your unsightly person.  Let’s just wrap this up, shall we?  I’m less than interested in continuing to gawk at the natural horror that is MangaSarah’s face, and I’m sure the majority of you readers are, too.

What’s more miserable than Sarah’s awful art is the fact that her life revolves around the content and creation of it.  I don’t think anything could be said or done to save MangaSarah’s soul.  She’s lost; a fallen one.  Her mind is astray and fantasy is her drug.  Without it, she’d probably never be able to function; a veritable vegetable.  Sarah’s only purpose seems to be that of making people feel better about their own lives.  A sad existence she lives, writing and drawing about her deepest dyke fantasies with only her e-friends and e-romances to confide in.  Such is the blight of a modern society dependent on computer technology.  Sarah is a strong case for enforcing Internet time-usage restrictions and website filtering.

This concludes a look at yet another talentless deviantARTist.  I hope the subject matter in this article didn’t upset your stomach as much as it did mine.  If it did, there’s not really much I can do about it.  I’d suggest heading over to MangaSarah’s dA and demanding an apology out of her.  But, uh, make sure you cover your eyes!  I don’t want to be responsible for your hospital bill.

Sonic the Hedgehog fans are some of the worst people you’ll find on the Internet. Sonic the Hedgehog fans who masturbate to pictures of him and his friends (i.e.: practically every furry in existence) are the worst people you’ll find on the Internet, bar none. Enter KnucklesFan01, an allegedly thirteen year old furry with more Knuckles the Echidna dolls than sense in her head.

As you may have gathered from her username, KnucklesFan01′s favorite Sonic the Hedgehog character happens to be Knuckles the Echidna (Who, as you may have gathered from his name, is an echidna). In the games, Kunckles apparently has the hots for a bat named Rouge the Bat. As such, KF01′s fursona is an echidna, who’s own fursona is a bat. If your brain hasn’t imploded into itself after trying to figure that bullshit out, feel free to take a look at this first piece from KF01′s dA gallery.

Rarrw by ~knucklesfan01

Apparently, this is supposed to be Knuckles – with whom KF01 has a disturbing obsession – but the perspective is so disjointed that it looks like a cluster of tentacles rather than a singular animal. I’m not even sure what the fuck those cream-yellow bits are supposed to be, and I don’t want to know. The background is equally confusing, as it’s just a bunch of lines giving the very thin facade of a room. Even her only fan can’t make figurative (or literal) heads or tails of the damn thing.

Knuckles Blush by ~knucklesfan01

KF01-emmm Knuckles i have a notice for you….Im Pregnant
Knuckles-O////////////O?

(Yes Sir KF01 Is Pregnant…….)
Cooming Soon

This is supposed to be KF01’s fursona, which I’ll be referring to as “The Dream”. Take note of the lines that stretch far longer than need be, the dead eyes, and the black-bordered circles that are supposed to represent her blushing. Apparently, she’s supposed to be pregnant, though it does raise the question how she’s hiding it so well and why it’s never shown up in any of KF01’s other artwork. Maybe she had an abortion / miscarriage off-screen.

Why You Want To Kill Me by ~knucklesfan01

Oh look, more superfluous lines! This is her recurring motif: Lines/shapes that stretch well beyond conventional boundaries to make the subject’s hair seem transparent. Knuckles ends up coming off as effeminate with those see-through bangs, which I honestly don’t recall being part of his design. Oh wait, he’s not Knuckles the Echidna; he’s Knuckles the Wolf, another shitty ~~ORIGINAL CHARACTER~~ without a neck and with a face on his stomach. I’m also concerned on what all those useless arrows pointing down are for. Perhaps they are poorly drawn birds?

“So, what’s with the title”, you may be asking yourselves at home. Well, fret not, for the description does a dandy job of clearing things up. Haha, I’m just kidding! All you get is a single incomprehensible sentence of poorly written fan fiction. Glad I could help!

Knuckles is angry because Grace grab a Knife and she want to kill.she think-He is a Demon-

KnucklesFan01 is absurdly reticent about drawing whatever the fuck she’s talking about. This is common in all of her drawings. She refuses to show anything that could be construed as remotely interesting or relevant to an interior narrative she’s apparently following, preferring to focus on crudely-drawn profiles and making up a story for them later.

My Love Knuckles by ~knucklesfan01

Which brings us to the “artist” herself: An obese middle-aged furry with “My First Prostitute” make-up applied liberally / terribly / arbitrarily to her face, in a picture of her kissing a plush doll of her unrealistic desire. I don’t even need to say much about it; the picture itself speaks volumes about what kind of person KnucklesFan01 is. Which is to say, desperate and alone.

Me as Rouge The Bat by ~knucklesfan01

Just when you thought the first picture was a bad idea, KnucklesFan01 decides to churn out ANOTHER glamor shot. This time, it’s with “The Dream” version of herself plastered on the side of the opposite side of the frame; both ladies wearing the same costume, but sporting very different builds. It’s as if she’s screaming at the viewer “Look, look! We’re one and the same, right? TELL ME I’M BEAUTIFUL! TELL ME KNUCKLES WOULD FUCK ME!”

But that’s not my major complaint. Look in the room the real KF01 is in: Do you see how disgusting it looks? It’s so dilapidated, broken down and just fucking creepy; like a basement owned by a serial paedophile. I really want to know what motivated her to choose that particular room to shoot her ill-fitting Rouge cosplay. Perhaps it’s the only room Mr. Fritzl permits her to dwell in?

There’s plenty of other examples of her work, every one as bad as the last, but I like to think that my selection is a perfect microcosm of who KnucklesFan01 is: An insecure furry with awful drawing skills and a burning desire to turn into and have sex with one of these things. Your prince awaits you, señorita!

In other words, it’s your own damn fault. Don’t invent crazy pills and then complain when madmen eat your dog.

Today’s abyss-gazing platter is served by SivsKittyCat358, and her “Original Character” Kagome (What an orginal name for an original character!).

KagomexChase by ~SivsKittyCat358

“Oh boy” indeed. I don’t know who the character on the right is, but somehow I think they weren’t drawn by SivsKittyCat358. Like many of the works METOKUR is responsible for ‘stealing,’ this picture contains content itself stolen. Who’da thought it? Let’s take a look at the copyright information provided in the picture’s description:

Xiaolin Showdown (C) belongs to different company
Kagome(C) belongs to me

Do you see anything weird about stealing a character from a show you like and using them as a love interest for your character without even caring to find out what company created them? I’m pretty sure you can get sued for that. Hey, Warner Bros. Animation, (I timed it, it took me less than ten seconds to find out who owns the fucking show); I think it’s time you flexed those legal muscles and took this KittyCat(358) to court! Let’s list the violations of the Copyrights and Patents Act:

1. Misrepresentation of Copyrighted Material
2. Unauthorised Use of Copyrighted Material
3. Failure to Name and Notify Copyright Holder

Wow, three. Looks like a lot of money (or jail time) is about to exchange hands!

Let’s focus on the non-copyrighted characters and focus on the even more moronic one. Kagome, a Japanese girl’s name, has been assigned to a white girl. A white girl with some kind of latex hat that exactly compliments her hair. The hat I can’t explain, but the name was probably wish fulfillment on the creator’s part, angry and upset that her parents never gave her an anime name. I can’t tell what Kagome is saying because the text is really fucking small, even in comparison to that of Chase, the sexy Xiaolin man on the right. Well, Chase isn’t really saying it, because the speech bubble isn’t pointed at anyone in the fucking picture. Also is it just me or is the text in said speech bubble varying in size? It’s almost like the creator forgot they hadn’t finished the sentence and carried on in the wrong-sized font. Amazing work so far, SivsKittyCat358!

This tartlet’s creations are terrible, so of course my first reaction was to try and click out of my Browser. Sadly, due to some kind of unfortunate hardware malfunction, I clicked onto one of her stories, entitled ‘Kagome, Empress of Darkness?’ Let’s have good laugh at this worthless shitpile together, shall we?

Kagome, Empress of Darkness? by ~SivsKittyCat358

Leslie was in pain and as she gave birth, an infant girl came out.

Oh shit, really? Now THAT is writing against the trend! Usually pregnancies are painless procedures that birth fully grown able-bodied men, ready to turn the wheels of the Stalin’s war machine. No wait, that was a daydream and you’re a fucking idiot.

Hayao comes in the room and the next thing he knew, Leslie died right in front of his eyes. Hayao was most sadden and angry that she dies, giving birth.

Now you might find it a little disheartening that the tenses changed from past to present in the space of a single paragraph, and you might find it a little uncouth of our little Austen to be rationalising the emotions of her characters down to emoticons. But me, I’m most annoyed by the fact this entire story is nothing but a garbage jumble of words in seemingly random order. The writer clearly has no understanding of prefixes, suffixes, or tense. I’ve seen Google Translate write more coherent sentences from Mandarin Chinese than this teenager’s unintelligible turd of a sentence.

Kagome was alone and lost in her mind ever since all the 5 mothers were no Influence to Kagome at all.

Kagome was alone and lost in her mind ever since all the 5 mothers were no Influence to Kagome at all.

I don’t even have anything to say.

I’d love to provide literary criticism, I really would. But this is past the point of no return. This is just such utter crap I don’t even think I need to explain why it’s crap.

Meanwhile in the lair of Chase Young, he was drumming his fingers from his pinkie to his index finger like 1-2-3-4- a few times. Thinking hard and thought about that shadow he saw in the crystal ball, but Chase didn’t know about any dark shadow like that.

Masterful work there, Sivs. I’m impressed by the multitasking prowess of Chase, how he can both THINK HARD and THINK at the same time. I’m certainly looking forward to the meeting between these two intricately-designed charac- oh wait you stole Chase from an Anime. Anne Frank was a better writer than this, and she never even intended people to read her work!

I’ll finish you with the final line of this literary opus:

The problem is that Kagome was never given a chance at a taste of power and freedom.

The highly “bare bones” nature of this story means a lot of the information is up to the reader’s interpretation. Mine? The writer’s father raped her. Or perhaps, given the sheer inanity of the text, vice versa. The thought just occurred to me that the author concerned in this article might well be male. There’s no particular implication they’re female, though the ‘writing’ and ‘art’ suggest a form of delusion usually constrained to the fairer chromosome. I COULD check his/her/she’s user page and find out, but like the second half of the Kagome: Empress of Darkness saga, I’d rather be ambiguous on the facts for the sake of sanity.

UPDATE: Since the creation of this article, SivsKittyCat358 has removed the picture and story concerned here, at the same time leaving a very upsetting entry in her journal.

The two messages she mentions are in fact someone completely unrelated (who coincidentally to be called ‘Hbomberman’) linking her to this very page, and in no way criticising her art. Maybe people will start showing her a little respect when she starts respecting the people who bring these things to her attention.

Including lengthy blocks of text in pictures is dumb. If you’re making the decision to submit your work as an image file, you should probably try to fill it up with as many images as possible. This seems like this should be common sense, right? Not for deviant “eclipse-of-you,” it isn’t!

Beautiful Songs by ~eclipse-of-you

I know what you’re thinking: “Is this a picture or an essay?” Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is deviantART, the most obnoxious user-generated content service in the world, and can make you want to blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: Does it really matter? Well, does it, punk?

The short answer to the first question is that it is, in fact, a picture. The presence of the text – which consists of lyrics to populist pop music garbage – serves to distract from how poorly illustrated the female(?) character is. With a head as large as her torso, and feet half the size of her tiny hands, I guess music must be her only escape from the hardships of life as a hideous freak of nature.

A general rule of thumb for dealing with pictures “plus words”: If it looks like more time went into writing the text than drawing the illustrated portion of the piece, chances are it was done to mask some horrendous artistic error. Judging from the fact that the songs have little (If not nothing at all) to do with one other, and how the headphones manage to fit entirely within the spiked blob that composes the girl’s hair (As if the artist hadn’t originally planned to include them), I’d say the “music” angle was an afterthought, and that this piece started simply as a failed drawing of a girl.

Not only does eclipse-of-you fail to impress as an illustrator, but she isn’t much of a typographer either. My best advice to her is to stay away from both, and instead of scribbling lame shit like this in class, to actually pay attention and focus on her academics. After all, it’s obvious she won’t be making it big as an artist any time soon.

And that’s all the text I’m willing to write about this.

We’ll be using another deviant’s profile as a template in this piece. Specifically, the profile of KittyChan12 TheMeowingFox, who you may remember from a previous article. However, while that article dealt with her being a terrible artist, this one will focus on her having an awesome dA profile! (“Awesome” as defined by deviantART standards, which – of course – translates to “cluttered shit” by all other standards.)

(Click for the full-size 800px by 3540px image)

Allow me to introduce you to the subject of today’s article: A tartlet who goes by the handle Decadence-Decay. Our little Ms. Decadence – real name Sophia – is a 16 year old girl on dA. Though I suspect that’s not too much of a shock to you when you consider that the entire site is comprised almost entirely of nothing but teenage girls (Or, alternatively, 40 year old men from Tokyo who enjoy wearing panties on their heads, claiming to be 16 year old girls).

Before we begin the article proper, I’d like to ask you – the reader – a question. But before we can even do that, I’m going to need you to take a look at a picture. But before we can do that, I’m going to need you to scroll down the page a bit so you can actually see it.

Good: Now that we have that out of the way we can continue. So, why then have I asked you to look at this self indulgent, Myspace angled, “I’m daddies little princess”, vapid, self-masturbatory photograph of some obviously confused pale bitch? Well, I’m just curious is all. I’m curious to see if I’m the only one out there who finds the idea of her fucking guys dressed up like circus performers completely batshit insane.

I mean when you look at her; when you take a moment to consider that she’s actually somewhat attractive; do you then automatically think to yourself, “Oh hell yeah, I can totally see her riding some clowns cock”? Can you honestly give the idea that she would fuck something like this any credence?

If you’re confused by this point you’re not alone: I am as well. And I don’t mean confused as in, “Hey why do her feet in the above photo look like they belong more to Skeletor than to a teenage girl”. I’m guessing that maybe she doesn’t understand the basics of lighting or maybe she’s like the female version of that dude from the movie Powder. Who knows? But putting that mystery aside I’m talking about the confusion over the fact that this girl, this piece of jail-bate, would actually want to fuck a juggalo.

Jesus, that’s a scary thought. Do you even know what a juggalo is? I mean for fuck sakes they can’t even work out the simple shit like, oh I don’t know, this: FB = q v × B

You see over the last few days, in between my constant masturbation to her photos and my confusion as to why her feet look like they belong to a villain from the He-Man universe, I’ve given this issue a great deal of thought. And yet I’m still left thoroughly dumbstruck. Why would any girl seriously consider a man in make-up desirable? Let alone one who happens to live in a trailer park, beats his sister/lover, exists solely on food stamps, and considers bathing in Red Pop hygienic. I mean that shit just doesn’t make sense. But one look at her photos and it becomes clear that this chick loves getting dicked by the boys from the big top.

Would you look at that? Seriously, what the fuck is she going to tell her kids in 20 years when they come up to her with a photo like this one and ask, “Mommy, why do you look like such a huge faggot”? Off all the types of men someone could be attracted to she chooses juggalo’s? That’s so far below the bottom of the barrel that if she looked up she’d be staring at straight at the asses of furries. Yeah, that’s right, furries are a step up for her. If she were to put on a wolf suit right now and bounce up and down on some dude’s dick while yelping like a puppy I’d actually respect her more. Holy shit, that’s messed up.

Now you may be wondering what makes her special enough to warrant an article. Clearly she isn’t artistic with the majority of her DA account being devoted to vapid self portraits that scream “OMG I heart social networking”. She’s one of those girls that knows she’s attractive and so she takes full advantage of it by posting her pictures everywhere so she can feed off of men’s erections like a lich feeds off fucking misery. But that’s not the reason we’re spotlighting her. Attention whoring women are a dime a dozen on the internet. No, what makes her special is the fact that she is WILLINGLY HAVING SEX WITH JUGGALOS.

Try this. I want you to imagine the worst ethnic stereotype that you can. Maybe it’s a nigger holding a bucket of chicken while he rapes a white woman. Or perhaps it’s an chink with a really tiny cock doing complex algebra problems. Or how about a spic hoping a fence while carrying nothing but cleaning supplies and lawn care equipment. Well those examples are to other races as juggalo’s are to white people. They are our niggers, our chinks, our spics. They’re the counterexample to white supremacy and they can be found in any trailer park across the country. I’d rather have a kerosene enema than be in the same room as an ICP fan.

So what the hell is she thinking? What horrible thing did her father have to do to her that would explain her taste in men. He must have been pulling trains on this bitch since the age of 6 to account for something this screwed up. He probably made her watch as he practiced his woodsmanship with nothing more than a chainsaw and kittens. Because there is no way that this…

results from a normal upbringing. So all I have to say to dad is: Good job. May God have mercy on us all because knowing how teenagers are it’s only a matter of time till she squirts out a litter of mini-ninjas. Once that happens we’ll have even more of the fuckers to deal with. Now if you’ll excuse me I have the strangest urge to go watch some motherfucking He-Man.

I HAVE THE POWER!

I have come to enjoy and play a great deal of video games. I will even go as far as to admit I have become what is commonly referred to as a  “fanboy” of certain series and games. However, I have the restraint to keep myself from devoting myself entirely to a single title, lest I become completely and utterly obsessed. If only others out there could demonstrate the same restraint as I.

Enter Lindaru, “an 19 years old gamer from Finland,” as her YouTube so eloquently puts it. She falls under the sect dedicated to none other than Final Fantasy. More specifically, Final Fantasy IX (“9″ for those of you unfamiliar with roman numerals), which seems to mostly revolve around a character named “Zidane Tribal”, who looks like a regular at Anthrocon.

So how does Lindaru immortalize this highly esteemed cult icon? Why, with stock images with ugly color filters slapped on for good measure, of course!

Zidane by ~Lindaru

First off, this is in no way original, as any idiot can download GIMP and plaster in stock images from the game. If you look close enough, you notice the image in the upper right corner even has a shoddy cropping job leaving some sort of border. But she doesn’t stop there.

Green Zidane by ~Lindaru

FF9 Zidane’s Energy by ~Lindaru

That’s right folks. She used the same exact image two more times, only toying around with color filters this time. This is primarily what all of her deviations amount to: Game stills hastily cropped together with a lazy tint job, which may or may not include a game quote. I hate to admit it, but compared to her, the lowest tier of shitty anime recolor artists show more talent.

Images aside, Lindaru also has writings among her deviations. Care to take a guess upon the subject matter? Bingo: More Final Fantasy, more Zidane, and more terrible excuse for expression. Allow me to share this piece, titled “FF9 Growing Wings”:

In Trance,Zidane defeated Shell Dragon,the embodiment of his own insanity and sadness..
Dagger was speechless about how much powerful Zidane is now…
Zidane realized what he had done…and he tried to hold his tears..
”It’s alrigth Zidane,I and everyone will forgive you…”
and in that moment..Zidane bursted to cry
”What have I done…I were so shocked…I could not think at all…”
Tears falled from Zidane’s face to ground..they shined like a sun..
Dagger looked at Zidane and she kissed him…passionly and softly..
Zidane’s every part of his body relaxed…
his eyes were glowing brigth green..as she kissed him
”I want this feeling to stay forever…it feels so nice..”he thougth to himself.
And all of the sudden his soul was in Heaven,there was nothing..
everything was covered in white..
and then..suddenly he felt sharp pain..coming from his back..
he shouted in pain..
he fell on the ground and huge,beautiful angel wings bursted from Zidane’s back..
this happened also in reality…wings bursted from Zidane’s back with powerful impact.
Dagger was shocked
but Zidane just smiled at her and said:
”Let’s go Dagger,let’s find our friends”
Dagger agreed with him,smiling at him like a sunrise…

Here is where I admit I know nothing about the game, including the characters mentioned. But honestly; none of that is necessary to see what a poor writer Lindaru is. Almost every sentence ends in an ellipsis, as if it were some attempt to add emphasis. Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve read Peter Chimaera pieces with better command over the English language than this! I had thought spelling bright as “brigth” was a mistake, but every single word ending in “-ight” is spelled like that, including her other “fanfics”. Is this some kind of reference to the game that I’m totally oblivious to?

Needless to say, Lindaru is not an “artist”, just as anything she has produced is not fit to be called “art”. Her fans only follow her work for one of three reasons, neither of which has anything to do with her non-existent artistic merit:

A) “OMG its Zidane I <3 FF9!!!!”
B) “OMG its a girl on the internet I <3 BOOBS!!!!”
C) All of the above.

I have lost any interest in digging any further: It doesn’t get much deeper than rock bottom. I’d go into her music, but this about deviantART; not YouTube.